Discernment Counselling
On the brink of separation?
Find clarity & confidence about the next steps for your relationship.
You are not sure about your marriage anymore.
You may have been struggling for quite a few years, hoping that things will get better between the two of you. You did a few couples counselling sessions and, while you would say that you were working hard on saving your marriage, the disconnection continued growing.
Now, you feel disappointment and resentment. You’ve stopped investing in the relationship. You have had enough, and you are contemplating leaving or divorcing. However, a small part of you also still loves your partner and wishes you could create something more fulfilling together. You might be considering what would be the best option for your children.
You really don’t know how to make this decision, as the stakes are so high and you want to make the right choice. You are confused, unsettled, lonely, and tired.
You want to save your marriage.
You either suspect that your partner is contemplating separation, or they’ve already put the divorce on the table. You feel scared and alone and you’ve stopped investing in the relationship. But you still love your partner and want to save your marriage. You can envision a better, more fulfilling future for the two of you. You are prepared to do anything!
You are unsure what it should be, or if it’s too late. You want to slow down, to put the brakes on. You feel anxious, regretful, and disempowered.
If this story feels uncomfortably familiar, you and your partner are likely to be deeply unhappy in your relationship, or in crisis. You might have discussed a separation (or a divorce). Being at this crossroads is extremely difficult in your marriage and for each of you personally. The pain is deep and overwhelming and the stakes are high.
​
When we are in lots of pain, we just want the pain to stop. Our cognitive capacities are limited and with them our ability to make sound decisions. It might seem like the solution is to get out: to escape the pain. That doesn’t mean it’s the right step.
If you have been seeking advice from your family and friends, you’ve probably realized that they take sides. Their suggestions may seem to be more related to them liking your spouse (or not) and their own experiences and beliefs about marriage, than your unique relationship dilemma.
​
Statistics indicate that there is a sizeable group of people who regret their divorce decision. If you want to slow things down and weigh your options, discernment counselling could offer you clarity and confidence about the best next steps regarding the future of your marriage.
Impartial guidance to meet each of you right where you are
Discernment counselling is a powerful way of helping couples where one person is “leaning out” of the relationship - considering separation - and the other is “leaning in” - invested in saving and rebuilding the marriage.
Discernment Counselling offers a specialized protocol for couples who may have contradictory goals to make a well-thought-out decision regarding their immediate future. The main goal is to help couples to find clarity and confidence in their decision about the future of the relationship, based on a deeper understanding of what has happened to their marriage and each person’s contributions to the problems. It is different to couples counselling - the aim here is not to improve your relationship, so interventions focused on strengthening your connection are not part of this work.
In a short number of sessions (typically 1-5) I can offer couples assistance with their options and help them to move forward from relational ambivalence with confidence. It involves both individual work, to help each of you with your agenda and a joined work, to share and clarify the direction you are both moving towards. Your position will be honoured and supported, we will explore what you may want to change in yourself to be the partner you want to be in a romantic relationship - whether in this marriage or in a future one. I’m here for each of you, to support you to bring your best self to this difficult time and for the best outcome for your relationship — whatever that may be. I am impartial, attuned and compassionate.
Discernment Counselling can offer
-
More clarity and confidence in a decision about the future of your marriage
-
A broader understanding of what has happened to your marriage and the part each of you has played in the problems
-
A roadmap for change if you decide to work on the marriage
-
Increased relational self-awareness – a foundation that you can build on in this or future relationships
Relationship Crossroads
Maybe you are not on the brink of separation, but you are on the relationship crossroads.
Are you;
-
Experiencing contradictory feelings and attitudes towards your partner?
-
Oscillating between being in and out of your relationship?
-
Wanting to leave, but scared that it would be the worse mistake of your life?
-
Feeling stuck for so long that you think it might be time to leave, but you are not sure?
-
Wondering if your relationship too good to leave and too bad to stay?
​
If these questions are relevant to your own experience, you may be stuck in relational ambivalence. If you’ve been weighing the pros and cons of your relationship for some time, you may be also experiencing immense decision fatigue and feeling trapped.
Relationship ambivalence is an increasingly common experience, fuelled by growing uncertainty around us, endless choices in front of us and our own beliefs about relationships.
The uncertainty is taxing: it can lead to increased anxiety and affect our self-confidence. When we are ambivalent, we invest less in the relationship. And the less we invest, the more ambivalent we often are.
Couples or individual counselling can be useful to achieve clarity, open different perspectives and consider the bigger picture. It can help you to explore your motivation for being in the relationship, what is blocking your ‘knowing’, or if this relationship is viable and worth for you.